By the time you read this you will already know what is coming next.
Everyday I wake up sometimes feeling fear, sometimes feeling nothing. Sometimes I am so full of joy, I could burst.
I know you are curious as to what I am going to say next because that was always what it was like for you.You never knew what was coming next.
As I venture the landscape of my life now, as an adult, I see you the child, always at different stages .
The one I remember most was the stage where at 14, you lost your voice as you separated from innocence and purity and from the glory of the divine light that used to shine so brightly and gradually over the years, became so distant . Buried under layers of guilt and shame.
The landscape changed forever after that night.
The shock you feel now, right now as I remind you of this I can see, pulls you back into that darkness of withdrawal. The Cave of protection You see out from , but no-one see’s you. Its safe, I understand that.
To go over again, the pain of that night. Yes, you took your punishment like you believed you had too. He told you, you were not a good girl, you were a bad girl and that this is what you had to face.
Get it done and over with!
The voice of the judgemental self, SHE, was born. The voice of my father before he left had told me, always be strong, always be a good girl. I,d let him down. I believed. So my punishment was justified. I deserved to feel pain. I believed.
She ,the face of judgement, became the eyes and ears of your landscape and the world gave you exactly what you deserved from that point on.
Life changed.The darkness drew in, closer and closer justifying at each stage of life when the players in your story treated you the way, you believed you should be treated.
The face of judgement, always faithful, when the men abused you emotionally and mentally finally leaving you and those that shunned your friends, who were jealous of you and who shared aspects of your story that reflected back to them. When they ridiculed you about the colour of your skin, your hair, your skinniness, your laughter, your face..to bright for them to really see beyond..and when the darkness emerged surrounding you, engulfing you…when your cries for help were silent.
I wasn’t there. I am sorry. I was far away, being the victim. I found sympathy in her, she became my alibi from that night on.
But, as I said, at different stages of life, I saw you.
Sometimes I forgot bits of your story buried so deep into your subconscious mind, kept well hidden, to ashamed to be spoken about . You had no voice. I always knew that was a privilege given to all in life but not me.
But, the light was turned on that day, that day when you said, I am tired. I am tired of this heaviness. This burden that is not mine!
You shouted..and I heard you, faint at first but, I heard you cry out saying, I am NOT my mothers fear. I am NOT, my siblings abandonment , I am NOT my relationships abandonment or fear of trusting me….I am not others insecurities…I am , Me.
I forgave myself for believing, I had done something wrong. I forgive myself for forgetting, that I am loved. I forgave myself for choosing the victim self over you but, she was always, I believed, the stronger one.
She kept me alive in the belief, I could not live without her.She was there in my pain and separated me from you talking. She made me believe, she would love you better than I . For that,
I am so sorry.
I was wrong. It took me 60 years from entering this world to where I am now and to understand that, death of one story enables a new story every single moment, every single day, to be born.
We create our passage of life Lynn, we light candles continually to help show us the way, and to assign us the glory of being here and now and to the end of our life when, we review looking back, at the fundamental time we wasted in believing our self limiting beliefs that we were never enough, never good enough, never strong enough, never capable enough. We have not enough time to allow the victim to overcome, we can face our fears now Lynn, you are incredible…you are, enough.
Recently, I saw you play. You jumped and laughed, sang and joked , screamed and wallowed in laughter till you burst and cried.
Your innocence is something I will have to get used to being around again.
While I live, work and dream I also now live thanks to you, in the wonderment of freedom.
Freedom to being alive at this time, freedom to having the challenges before me and the freedom to choose to live in the past or, to let it go.
Your story Lynn will never go away, for me as the adult, my journey is just beginning.
I love you so so much. I love you. I support you in everything you do, I’m here for you now and I will keep showing up till that day, when we come together in the glory of the diving we both share. Lets play.!