I am more and more seeing clients that i can relate to when it comes to being the ‘parent’ in a relationship to their other half!
It’s always interesting to see how we just casually fall into relationships we are attracted to yet fall out of that relationship when the ‘parent’ other half does not meet our expectations.
My personal journey with relationships was always based on the belief, i needed to be looked after. I call it the Surrogate Father / Mother Syndrome where i believed men had to take care of me on every level, in return, i would take care of them and be submissive.
Now at the mature end of life, i can see through my current relationship that has shown me the reason why i held this belief. His needs to be cared for and similarity in both our childhood experiences, led me to believe that there was never enough love because, there was not outwardly so, i had to earn it which historically kept me on the wheel of letting others control me in order to get all my needs met in my early development through compromising my needs and moral values which are building blocks for self worth and self esteem. The need to be controlled walked out the door and i became autonomous – after much self work .
When we use power and control as a weapon for getting love , we always will loose that battle as we watch ourselves turn into the parent we did not want to become based under the core belief that we have to succeed, be better at what we do, get approval, bow to others or , compromise our integral core values to become submissive in getting love.
Energetically, our early childhood experiences can teach us that we have no control when parent/s abuse us on any level, abandon us ,reject us, dismiss our greatness as little beings, choose one sibling over another favourably in order to sort out themselves as adult/s ( the wheel keeps turning !) as well as detaching from us as well as themselves, so why would we want to be a child between 1-7 when our stability , security and sense’s are developing ?
The arrested development of the child when tantrums are a no no or, when a child is punished because of repressed parental anger they project onto their child, creates a confusion which then freezes the child emotionally and mentally in a time locked zone.
In adulthood, energetically we can choose our partners to match our trauma or, try our best to become the idealised parent we never had to our child /partner.This is my story and my experience has given me reason to understand my life’s patterns i can choose to change. This is a painful process but, a worthy one. To let the child in you go through the process of unconscious grief while you parent her /him which is a powerful courageous choice but, a rewarding one when you become empowered to be able to let go of the integral Core belief of ” I must make my parent/s happy in order to be loved.”
We are loved by our parent /s because there is an energetic bond that cannot be broken but sadly through their story ( ancestral or current) and their pain and for whatever reasons, they could not show us or give the love we needed through their own unresolved issues .
In the early stages of life, this is all we know. How to love. We will do anything, compromise everything, for that love that sometimes, leads us into the adulthood stage with unresolved issues around lack and nothing will bring back the loss of that early childhood experience. As an adult, we can logically understand from a cognitive perspective that we were loved but coming from parents who were not together, or a mother or father who had so much stuff going on, emotional intelligence is not properly developed to understand anything outside the absences of neutering and unconditioned love.
But what about the anger and frustration that can turn into resentment ? where do those suppressed feeling’s and emotions go? They fester. Physically and mentally, we can become sick, paralysed with fear of growing up or having to learn to take responsibility and self accountability for ourselves instead of reliance on the absent parent.
The cycle can be easily broken once forgiveness takes place and the Inner Child can begin to truly trust the adult self it has merged with. Growth then can happen spontaneously. We can become the adult, looking at the adult not, the child longing for the adult to see them which, will never happen. Life and relationships take on a new meaning, freedom becomes obvious and exciting. Our partner will also feel this and the magic of change happens.